The rise of matrimonial sites like Jeevansaathi.com, Shaadi.com etc has made it very easy to look for alliance. It increases the choice when one is looking for alliance and also allow them to search while sitting at home. Earlier alliances are mainly used to be done through word of mouth through relatives and neighbors. That way relative background check would have been done about the family and the bride / groom. Now with matrimony sites if you are looking for a prospect at a distant location, you may not have much means at your disposal to make a background check of the family. Hiring private directive agency is an option but it could be an expensive option. I know of a friend’s marriage where the bride did not mention of certain mental conditions for which she was being treated. So I would like to jot few points which we must look into when we are looking for alliances through matrimonial sites:
1. Do not look for alliances at a distant land. e.g: If you are staying in Bangalore then do not look for alliance in Jaipur or Chandigarh. Always look for alliances in your sphere of influence. By sphere of influence I mean where it will be convenient for you to travel in your happy matrimonial life or in case court cases are thrown on you then you will be able to fight them with relative ease. This place could be your native or some place where you have lot of relatives who are supportive of you. In most matrimonial cases it is the men who has to travel to attend court at the bride’s hometown. So be careful!
2. When you initiate contact with a prospect be very observant and look at whatever she says or does very objectively. Please analyze them. Take opinion of your close friends, parents, trusted relatives. If you find yourself stressed to decide then you may also take help of counselling from company like 1to1help.com. Don’t hurry the decision as this is a life changing decision. Yes, life changing cause it can lead to no peace of mind, let you out of your own house and even land you and your family in jail on false charges. If she tells you some secret like she had an ex boyfriend, do not hide this from your parents at any cost. All sorts of information should be taken into consideration.
3. Avoid any prospect who gives you any hint of drama. Say she says that she had an ex boyfriend who has now came to know that her marriage is fixed with you and that he threatened to break the marriage. Come out of such prospects as soon as possible and do not proceed with such marriage.
4. If during your courtship period if you see her eyes are wandering over other men, take this sign seriously.
Do not proceed with such prospects.
5. Look out for love bombing! I mean if from the initial phase she calls you and or anyone multiple times who has influence on your decision ( can be your parents etc) then it is a red signal. Stop! Do not proceed. I know of one instance where she used to call the boy and his mother everyday. She used to talk with the mother for around an hour. Most such cases I know of shows after marriage there is a 180 degree change in bride’s behavior.
6. Keep visits to the prospect’s house to the minimum. Visit a few times to understand who all are there in the family and the family dynamics.
7. Always meet her in public places. Avoid intimacy in any form.
8. Better to avoid a bride from a matriarch family. So it is very important to understand the family dynamics of the prospect.
9. If for any reason the prospect’s family says you may break the alliance, do not proceed. Stop!
10. During your courtship with the prospect, if she or her family is taking about political connections very casually or throwing political weight, it is a red signal. Do not proceed. Stop!
11. If you see / feel any sort of infidelity in present / past, do not proceed. Stop! She and her family may try to explain. Just do not proceed with such prospect.
12. If her ex boyfriend tries to contact you, I suggest you speak to him. This will also allow you verify the stories she said about her ex boyfriend. Please keep a recording of such phone calls. Any contradiction will suggest you not to proceed. Avoid meeting him.
13. When deciding on prospects take opinion of near and dear ones, but give due importance your intuition. Your conscience will speak loudly but your intuition will whisper. If you have some nagging thoughts about your prospect during the courtship period, something not feeling right, you are stressed while deciding the relationship, even after few months of courtship if you still have doubt then it is better not to proceed.
14. If a prospect gives signs of invitation of intimacy, do not get intimate at any cost. If for some reason the marriage do not take place, she may blackmail you or file rape charges on you.
15. During arranged marriage, it is typical that the men will be asked about his salary. But do not divulge any other financial info. Also, do not discuss any important family info. Such info can be used against you if things go sour.
16. She comes on very strong, claiming, “I’ve/we’ve never felt loved like this by anyone/or so close to anybody.” An prospect girl/her family will put pressure on you/your family for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. Do not proceed. Stop!
17. If your prospect is jealous and is excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; smells
your jacket for perfume residue; checks your shirt collar for lipstick marks; and goes through your pockets secretly. Do not proceed. Stop!
18. If she is a attention seeker. These girls are always needy and seeking attention. They would never allow you to mix socially, especially with the opposite sex, even if she is your cousin. Do not proceed. Stop!
19. Her thoughts and expectation look unrealistic. Expects you to be the perfect man and meet her and her family’s
every need, however unrealistic. Do not proceed. Stop!
20. Do not accept gifts (specially expensive gifts) during your courtship period.
21. She always blames someone. Boss/employee/ex-boyfriend/ex-husband – it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong in her life. Do not proceed. Stop!
22. If your prospect speaks in a very formal and submissive manner to you, but speaks in a totally different tone with her other family members or friends, then treat this as a warning sign. Do not proceed. Stop!
23. The girl might often tell you during the courtship period that she has a terrible temper whenever she sees any injustice. This may sound reasonable and cute initially, but treat this as a warning sign because after marriage, anything that does not go according to her wishes might be interpreted as a terrible injustice in her mind.
24. During the courtship period, if the girl NEVER talks about her family members and quickly changes the subject if you happen to ask, then do not ignore this warning. That family might have a past that they do not wish to divulge.
25. During the courtship period, she might tell you that she is not ambitious and would just like to stay at home and take care of you and your family. Be wary of a girl who becomes ambitious in substantial increments as the relationship progresses.
26. If the girl asks you questions in passing about “who owns this house” and “in whose name is that car”, then be wary if such questions exceed a reasonable limit. Listen to your gut feeling. Don’t disregard your instincts – your instincts are there to protect you.
27. If the girl’s family suddenly shifts to another city or changes their family business immediately before the wedding, then treat that as a warning sign.
Keep this points in mind whenever you are looking for an alliance and analyze the point objectively. If you have a doubt about a prospect, it is better not to proceed. Take option from others but you decide. Do not bow to any family pressure.
Credit note: Some points have been referred from http://www.saveindianfamily.in/